Blue-Jester

Curled in a ball at the foot of your bed makes it easy to think there's nothing in the world but you. Reviewing the day, you had seemed off; detached. Now you sat at the side of the bed, staring out the window, a hand on your dog's head. I just wanted to see you end the night with a smile. "I know it sounded like I was joking when I said it earlier, but you know I was serious, right? You are my hero." "Why?" 'Why' is a cold word. An unsure word. A word that's been broken and shakily put back together to form some semblance of what it once was and begs for explanations that don't exist. I hate it the second it leaves your mouth. "You're

The door is thrown wide open as you come running out, direct and focused as ever. You still saw me and paused though you were heading for your hideous car. I was sitting on the stone wall thirty feet away past the garden and benches, barely in the light from the bright church window. You changed course and slowly approached my wall. I was looking at the silhouette of tree branches against the night sky. You were looking at designs and blueprints. I contemplated jumping off the other side and going for a walk. You would have caught up. I never knew someone so genuine. Your long limbs make it easy for you to climb up next to me. I loo

I've been thinking of bad habits I broke. But maybe now isn't the time. It hurts to breathe and I exhale out short sentences raspy with razor blades and viral mucus in my throat making it hard to maneuver my voice. When did I last eat? I keep losing weight. I've got all these apologies bubbling in my chest for faults and failings so that I can't help but to believe I'm lacking in the substantial things. The important things. This must be my punishment. I'm missing the things that make me an acceptable person. The digits reading 100.3 every day don't surprise me anymore. No, now isn't the time to talk. These consequences are too wea

can you pinpoint when it got so complicated when i became everything you seem to hate 'cause it's a mystery to me how we went from something more to something less and the fact that it kills me is something i can't and won't let myself confess it can't be him because even he knew i'd leave him in a heartbeat for you was it when i was gone 'cause even then i tried but seeing some stupid words and i as good as cried and i don't know what caused this and i'm too scared to ask and the time spent apart is time gone too fast how long will this go on or will it even end or has it already stopped with no hope to mend and i know you see right th

It was the first time in a long time that I'd felt like singing, but your voice was already filling the air with a range somehow encompassing both the comforting tenor and the rumbling bass, so I stifled my nervous laughter. And sometimes I just can't believe that people like you exist. It was a surprise to me that I didn't want to dance with you. We were in the perfect setting in the middle of the night, in the middle of an empty road, but I just wanted to watch your face as you smirked and sang the words to a cheesy song I'd never heard before with a wonderfully melodramatic voice. And then I couldn't believe that you made me twirl about

I often feel as though I come off all wrong Like the facts don't matter for very long As long as I cover myself in ideals and words No one can touch me and my true form is blurred But there is a heavy weight, always on my chest And my weak bones are tired and begging for rest So I've a few truths that I would like to say I can only hope they won't ruin our day I've seen what others' have and oh, how I want! No matter how much I have, it cannot daunt! No matter how much, I'll always want more! If only I had energy to get out the door! And I hate myself for not doing things right! Like all those beautiful people just beyond sight! Despite all

I was outside more often than he, but somehow when my hand held his, his was always darker. Kind of like his blue eyes. I remember thinking those eyes could see everything and I was laid bare before them. They would see my faults, my mistakes, all of the horrible characteristics I mask behind smiles and teasing tones and for those eyes I dropped all pretenses. In hindsight, I feel like they saw nothing. We would sit there in his little white room and my heart would be a fire- no, an inferno, never-ending and all-consuming. Our skin wasn't our only difference. Where I was all anger and forward motion and need and detail he was indifference a

I try to not smile as I lean against the stair rail leading to your death trap of a bedroom and watch you at the counter. You're chatting away again and I'm barely listening, just trying to immortalize this almost living feeling within myself as you throw random things that sound tasty to you into the pan on your stove. I never did learn to cook. And that never did phase you. I smile at the memory of your slightly chaotic eyes as you whipped around, forever full of energy with your stirring spoon to look me in the eye and say, "Ah, that's fine. I like to cook, you like to bake. See? We're balanced!" Eyes alight and face in full smile. And s

I'm curled up in the corner of the couch, as far from you as I can possibly be while still appearing comfortable- after all, you're supposed to be comfortable watching a movie with a friend- especially after stealing his favorite spot. Then your puppy runs his head into the bottom of the couch trying to join us. You leaned down and helped him up, muttering about "kids these day" and playfully rubbing his ears. As he lays awkwardly between us I can relax with the new courtesy barrier that is your stupid yellow lab in the foot of space between us. And all that is "dog" assaults my nose, but his presence allows me to sit up straighter and stret